Dealing With Panic After a Break Up

How do you deal with those very real feelings of panic after a break up?

First off you have to ask yourself how you might feel tomorrow if you do something like sneak onto your ex’s Facebook or phoning him late at night to see if he is home. You need to weigh out how bad you are going to feel and how bad you are going to look to him if you spill out a bunch of emotion.

People lose self-control after a break up because they feel like they have lost control over the other person. Women, especially can feel that they have lost control over their entire lives. Even if they were not that happy in the relationship they at least knew what was happening next.  They would make up with the guy after a fight and then he would cheat or do whatever split them up in the first place. For women, especially, a break up means a loss of identity that is difficult to deal with.

The result is feeling like you must do something immediate and drastic to combat that feeling of being completely out of control.  This is why people become compulsive and drunk-dial their ex or become irrational in the days following the break up. They feel like if they do not do something about the situation right this minute they will lose the person.

Before you can do anything to save the relationship you have to get a grip and become a rational human being again. This may not happen in a couple of minutes or even a couple of nights.

In fact, the average time that couples need to recover from a bad split is about six weeks. That is how long it can take you to feel sane again.

You are broken up with your relationship anyway so why not take a real break from it. Use the split as a chance to recover from it emotionally. Taking a break from it means staying away from your ex. Do not call, email, stop by or hang out where you think he or she will. The sooner you stop compulsively trying to get your ex back, the sooner you will be able to recover and eventually regain the relationship.

That’s right. You have to avoid the relationship (for now) to save the relationship. Think of it like pruning a rose so it can grow back bigger and stronger later.


Are You In Denial About a Bad Relationship?

In relationships with emotional problems, with addiction and with abuse we have a tendency to go into denial. Sometimes the problems are so bad we can’t look at what is wrong.

Sometimes our desire to have things go well is so intense that we lie to ourselves. Women are particularly vulnerable to this type of thinking. They feel that they will never find another man again if they split up with someone forever.

If you think that you can’t live without him, that he was your whole life or that you will never find anyone as good as her then you are probably not in love. You are probably in a codependency. It might also meant that the relationship was abusive to the extent that your self-esteem was permanently affected.

It is also a mistake to believe that if you get back together that the person will change. Stupidity is the definition of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

It is also a mistake to believe that it is your job to somehow rescue or change a person, especially if they have a drug or alcohol abuse problem. If you are dealing with a partner like this the only thing that is going to work is unconditional love. You can only change yourself, not him or her and you can expect very little of the relationship.

If you find yourself listing reasons such as “I can’t be happy alone” or “I would die without him” then you need to know that you are lying to yourself. These statements are more about you than the person you want to be with.

The truth is that you can be happy again without or without this person in your life and if you do not believe that then you it might be time to see a therapist. It is a mistake to think that just because someone has left your life, you will not have any more good experiences.

If you go on thinking that you can’t make it in life alone, then you’ll have problems in this relationship and any relationships you have in the future. The ability to be happy on your own shows that you value yourself. Giving all of the power to make yourself happy or sad to another person is a symptom of low self-esteem.

As important as it is to be optimistic about the future you also need to be grounded in reality about your partner and whether or not it is actually in your best interests to return to the relationship.


Getting Back With an Ex

Trust can be a very nebulous thing between lovers. Just look at all the women that stay with men who cheat on them. They can’t trust the guy, but they stay anyway.

Appreciation, as opposed to trust, is bigger in a relationship then you may imagine.

When someone cheats on us we might tell him or her that all of the trust in the relationship has disappeared. However in reality something else might be going on.

Subconsciously or consciously we are feeling like our partner does not approve of us. The fear is that we are no longer sexually attractive. It is a lot easier to say that we don’t trust a person then admit that we are jealous, insecure or heartbroken.

However, when you do get back with your ex you are not going to talk about your fears, jealousy or heartbreak. There will be no mention of a lack of trust. All talk of the past, insecurity and resentment will be verboten. You must resolve all of your obsessive, resentful and unattended –to feelings before you meet your ex again.

When you get back together with your ex the only messages you will be giving him or she is that he or she is trusted and sexually desired.  The very fact you are back in his or her life shows your faith in that person and that things will work out for the best.

The reason there is still hope for the two of you is precisely because you are willing to admit that people are fallible, that they say things in the heat of an argument that they don’t mean and that you still trust the person enough to give it a second try without bringing up the past.

Unfortunately most of us like to stick with the Devil we know rather than investigate the possibility of finding a romance. It is a mistake to think that scheming about how to get your ex back is a productive use of time, especially if he is betrayed you and there is a trust issue. Before you consider how to get your ex boyfriend back you might want to examine the reasons why you want him back and be honest with him.

This are very few situations in which it is acceptable to consider how to get your ex boyfriend back. Very rarely are breakups the result of some kind of Shakespearean style misunderstanding full of miscommunications. Breakups usually happen because you have grown to be incompatible or because there has been a trust breakdown.

However if you have examined all the reasons that you want to get back together with him or her and found that your motives are pure then it might be alright to move forward with the strategy about how to become a couple again.

The Work Place Relationship

Ask any business’ human resources expert if you should pursue a work place relationship and the answer will likely be a firm NO.  That is because love in the work place often leads to nepotism, gossip, jealousy, infidelity, less productivity and more absenteeism.  However it is next to impossible for some people to find the time to pursue a relationship anywhere else because they simply do not have the time to do so.  Too many of us are busy working spending time at one or more jobs just to make ends meet!


Although the work place relationship is usually discouraged and sometimes ends up badly for one or both partner’s careers it has been known to work very well for some people.  The workplace romance has worked particularly well for some celebrity names. For instance Will Smith first met his wife Jada when they both had roles on “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.”  Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt fell in love on the set of “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.”  Still the unique workplace of the movie star is not quite as permissive as the workplaces of ordinary citizens.


One of the most successful and admired marriages in the United States started as a relationship in a place of business.  You will recognize their unique names. Barack and Michelle Obama first met when she mentored him at a Chicago Law Firm.  That workplace rendezvous resulted in a marriage in 1992.


So how can you make sure that your workplace romance leads to marriage and not the unemployment line?


First of all make sure that you do not bring your romance to your place of business. This can breed resentment among your colleagues.  Whatever you do avoid emotional drama and too much physical contact in front of others at your company. It simply is not professional.


You should also avoid beginning an affair with someone who can further your business career. If the two of you break up it almost always means that someone has to look for a new job.


Also, as anyone who has watched episodes of Mad Men knows, the workplace is rife with lonely married people whose relationships are suffering because they do not spend enough time at all.   Avoid the workplace infidelity above all other forms of workplace romance if you want to keep your job!


Finally, if you want to thrive at your company simply consider not mentioning your relationship to your colleagues at all.  Wait until you are officially engaged before announcing to any business colleagues and out of respect for protocol make sure that you tell your boss before you tell anyone else!